Still in transition...

So our household shipment got delayed AND our time was up at the hotel. Usually people use lender furniture from the government at this time but we are SO LUCKY to have family here to stay with. Our new official delivery date is the 20th. So we are back with Donovan's brother and his family until then!

It kiiinda feels like we just moved to Germany. Haha. In the hotel apartment we had started to have a rhythm. But now it's kind of up in the air again! 

But we have been trying to fill our time. I got my license and my car (finally!!!!) so the kids and I have some freedom during the day! And that's HUGE!!!

I've been getting some sort of workout in every day, which is huge. 

We spent the day yesterday at the yellow house (that's just what we call it now! 😊) while we had some new furniture delivered... and Camila discovered bubble wrap for the first time:

 

 

We've also done some art projects and games when it's too cold to go outside: 

 

 

 

 

Drawing:

 

Playing outside even though it's effing cold:

 

And of course watching movies 😆

 

Sarahi is in kindergarten so she's in school every day until 3. But Camila and Joaquín and Pablo have been having fun together during the day which is so nice! C

I'll be honest- it looks all glamorous and fun and casual but I'm obviously only posting the highlight real (that's true of all social media isn't it?). I've been so edgy and lazy and impatient the last few weeks and I hate the way that feels. And LOGICALLY i know that this is almost over, we will be settled soon, I'll barely remember this time, yada yada... and it helps to remind myself that. And we try to remind ourselves all the positive things we have going on because there are so, so many. But the weather and the life inconsistency is wearing on both of us (it's been 3 months now without a "home") and I'm definitely not being the mother and wife I want to be. So I really look forward to getting in a rhythm again!

That's it for now! 

(So funny how your life REVOLVES around your kids once you have them- how many pictures of Donovan and me do you count in this post?! 😂)

Its for real been a year?!...

I was just coming on to write about Germany thus far and realized its been a year...A YEAR...since my last post. WHAT IS THAT. Talk about time flying. Ive had the idea of maybe writing a blog in the back of my head for a  year now. Wow.

So my goal is to kickstart this again for a few reasons...
1) my whole point in starting this blog was to promote a fit and healthy lifestyle while pregnant/with kids so I will start making more of those posts.
2) to support and supplement my personal training business
3) to update loved ones and friends on our time here in Germany and force myself to write it all down for memory's sake!

So here goes, month 1 in Germany!

As many know we are so effing lucky because we are here with family and friends. While we were searching for a job position in this city, Donovan's brother, Reno (we also visited them in Bahrain when I was pregnant), called and said he got a job in Wiesbaden. What?! Then our best friends Abhinav and Arushi (we were engaged in India, where we were for their wedding) left for their 3 year stint in Wiesbaden, where we already knew they were going because we had always hoped to PCS together.

So not only do we have our buddies here but our kids get to grow up in Europe with some of  their cousins for a few years. Its crazy!

When we arrived here we went straight to Reno and Paola's house, which is in a town called Hochheim, about 20 minutes outside of Wiesbaden. We stayed there through Christmas and New Years, about 1.5 weeks, which was so great for so many reasons...the kids had their cousins and their cousins' toys there, we had family to welcome us, we were able to get over jet lag comfortably, it was basically like we were home and we needed it those first couple weeks. Now we are at our hotel right in downtown Wiesbaden, and dont let the word "hotel" fool you - our "room" is a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment with 20 foot ceilings and a full kitchen, dining room and living room. We could seriously just live here (if we didnt have two kids and in reality want a bigger space overall...).

So in sum we've been spending this last month sleeping, readjusting, drinking too much beer with our friends and family (adults), eating out all the time, playing non-stop with our cousins (kids), walking to bars and restaurants and grocery stores, getting our drivers licenses (Donovan has his, I'm studying), putting on and taking off lots of winter layers, eating out a LOT, getting the swing of things at work (Donovan), and house hunting.

Did I mention the eating out and drinking beer? That part is definitely taking a toll! The last 2 weeks or so we've been taking advantage of having a kitchen and cooking our meals and getting back into a typical eating routine and right away the scale has shown a difference. Its insane how many calories you can consume when you eat out too often!

We also went in our first trip to Paris. We met my mom and stepdad there, who were on a ski trip in France, for the weekend. They then came back to Wiesbaden for a couple days. We took the train to Paris and the kids did so awesome traveling. 

 

 

I hope to make a separate post about this trip... I hope... 😬

And talking about traveling is reminding me how awesome of a city chick Camila is becoming. When we walk to the grocery store she walks the entire way, helps me shop, and walks all the way home. I've got the stroller with J in it and grocery bags hanging and she's such a trooper. And when we take the bus she is such a good listener and hops on and off at the right times and sits next to strangers while I run up to pay the bus driver and hang out with Joaquín parked in the handicap area 😂 We are so proud of her. 

 

I feel like last week is the first week it started to feel normal. We are starting to get a daily routine down, the kids and I are starting to branch out and meet other people in the area, I am grocery shopping and Joaquín actually took a normal nap today (I think Camila is officially done napping...😐) and the kids might go to bed before 11 tonight. Victory.

We've been looking at houses - we've seen about 10-12 so far, I think? And we found one! It fits almost everything we were looking for.

So going in to house hunting, Camila and all her sass would say she wanted a yellow house. Every house we pulled up to, "Is it yellow?" and I would tell her "No baby but if the house we get isnt yellow (because more than likely it wouldn't be) we can decorate your new room with lots of yellow, ok?"

Guess what? The house is yellow! Total coincidence but we think it was a sign  😆
It's in a suburb of Wiesbaden called Schierstein. Its about a ten minute drive into downtown (where our hotel is and where our friends Abu and Arushi, or Abushi as we call them, are) and about a 20 minute drive to Donovan's work and to Hochheim (where Reno and Paola are).
Its an old barn that was converted into a house. In the courtyard, there is our house, another 2 houses in front which were the original homes of the families, and another white house with a huge tower thats actually a chimney, which was apparently the bakery. So all of them have been renovated into homes that share the courtyard. Its also directly on the Rhein River, and there is a festival every summer right in front of our house on the river so that will be fun. Their are tons of restaurants, bars, and stores all in walking distance, a preschool next door and a huge playground next door to that. And Wiesbaden has a few nice indoor pools that will be within a 10-15 minute drive. It's also huge- like 2700 square feet. 😱 So that will take some getting used to! We've got 4 bedrooms on the 2nd floor plus a separate guest space and full bathroom on the 3rd floor. So bring it on, guests!!! 

 

 

We are supposed to move in on February 6th. We are very excited to settle in and get back in to a routine!

So some more about our experience in general thus far:

~ Lots of FaceTime with Family is great but it's still hard being so far from everyone. We chat with our parents and siblings pretty regularly. We have scheduled chocolate milk hang out with geemom and geepop and every Friday we FaceTime with Aunt Nadya. Of course it's not the same but we can't wait to visit in August. We will go to the beach on the East Coast, go to Donovan's best friends wedding, and meet our niece who is due in May. It will be so much fun to have another cousin!
~ The food is great. We don't always eat German food, but theres a lot of options which is great and everything is so much fresher here. German food is mainly meat and potatoes (potatoes with everything omg) but you can always order a side salad or a side of veggies.
~ Almost everyone speaks English. Its nice but also slightly embarrassing because we are so privileged that it makes me feel bad. As Americans we can travel to almost any country and find people who speak English. I want to learn more German - next on the agenda!
~ The washing machines are tiny.
~ It doesn't matter if its raining, snowing, or cold AF - people still walk everywhere and spend time outside. I love that but seriously hate the cold.
~ Everything is more narrow. Cars, streets, parking lots, hallways, strollers, bike trailers, EVERYTHING is more narrow. And it makes so much sense. Why are we so much about bigger is better?
~ Drip coffee is hard to find. Everything is espresso. And if you want coffee black, its just an Americano, which is espresso with water added.
~ German houses typically do not have closets. Anywhere. Its just a room with walls and you buy wardrobes.
~ Everything is so walkable and public transportation is great. Almost every little neighborhood has a grocery store or market, butcher, bakery and shops within walking distance.

That's it for now! I'll be back! 😂

Today is one of the good ones

Today is one of those good days.
A day where I was up before both my kids, allowing me to make breakfast for my husband and kiss him goodbye before enjoying my cup of coffee slowly, still hot, in front of my DVRed "The Bachelor".
A day where both kids slept until 8:30-9 AM.
A day where we got out to see friends and play but were home with enough time to play, read and relax.
A day where my daughter saw someone playing with her baby and stroller in playgroup, and chose to play with the stroller that WASN'T hers instead of hitting the kid who took her stroller (this is huge).
A day where diapers and clothes got washed, folded AND put away.
A day where both of my kids napped at the same time.
A day where my 19 month old played quietly in the living room while I did the dishes.

A day where said 19 month old ate the food I gave her at lunch and breakfast, and didn't throw any of it on the floor. 
A day where dinner is already halfway prepared and its only 3:00.

A day where I sat down to write a blog.
A day where the sun is shining and Im not feeling the winter blues.
A day where I will go into my workout feeling strong and energized.

These days are great. And they happen often. But so do the not-so-good days.

The days where both kids are up multiple times a night, and then for the day at 6am.
The days where even a pot of coffee won't cure the sticky-tired of my eyes.
The days where clean laundry is piled so high it takes us 1.5 hours to fold and put it away (true...)
The days where I ask my husband to pick up a rotisserie chicken on the way home from work because I have barely thought about dinner.
The days both kids are in disposables because all of the cloth diapers are piled high on the stairs, many with poop still in them.
The days where my infant can't stay asleep and my toddler hits everyone in sight.
The days the house looks like a hurricane hit it because neither of my kids will allow me to put them down.

The days my toddler eats nothing but grapes and throws everything I cook on the floor.
The days where its so cold and or rainy outside that we are all depressed and moody.
The days where I don't do anything physically active, and Im edgy because of it.

On the bad days and the good, I remind myself that "its always just a phase." If theres anything Ive learned so far in my early days of parenting, its that everything, good, bad and mediocre, is always fleeting. So enjoy it - or grin and bear it - because it will be over faster than you can blink.

Sleep regression - ITS REAL (part II)

**update**

She's back!!! Only a day or two after I posted this Camila only woke once. Then the next two nights she slept through until 7:30. She will go down on her own also (Papi still stays with her before bed but she doesn't NEED it). Also, fun realization: our baby monitor has a microphone. I don't know why I hadn't thought to use that before! Well, I do know why. Last time I used it I chose an insanely scary voice to speak in and scared the sh*t out of her (stupid mommy moment...). BUT if you use a normal voice it's brilliant! She responds to me talking through the monitor as if I'm right there with her. Hallelujah! 

Baby becomes toddler. Toddler really GETS sleep. She knows her routine and often says "BYE!" as you walk out of the room. Sometimes it takes her 2 minutes to fall asleep, sometimes 20, but she always does it on her own. She sleeps all night - even noisy friends, a too-loud radio and thunder cease to wake her. She awakes at 8am, happy as can be, playing in her crib. Mama and papi sleep great (despite an over pregnant belly). Even when newborn arrives, nursing very 3 hours around the clock, mom still is able to get a decent nights sleep.

Then, something happens. Toddler starts waking 2x a night screaming bloody murder. OK, a few bad nights, no biggie.

Then, something more happens. Toddler starts waking 3-5 times a night (3 on a GOOD night). She only wants mommy. She wants to nurse. She wants in our bed. She wants mommy in her bed. She wants to sleep but she wants to be awake. Toddler also starts refusing bed time and naps. Every time is a fight and mama and papi revert back to rocking her to sleep. She ALSO decides that 5:30 is an acceptable wake time (FYI its not).

Sound familiar? If you remember my post on the 4 month sleep regression then it probably does.

I kinda saw this one coming. Her 4 month one was pretty intense compared to others I have talked to. Luckily she seemed to skip over the common 8/9 month one, but I had read that almost all kids hit the 18 month one, whether it effects naps, bedtime or both. A good friend who has a daughter 3 months older than Camila went through the 18 month with her daughter, and she also had a newborn son at the time, so I was just waiting for it to hit. And it did, right around 17 months, from one day to the next.

And once again it is most definitely tied to a developmental leap. She's starting to become more sassy and is talking a ton. She has a huge vocabulary but she's now trying to form short sentences and phrases. She's also reached a huge milestone in her language in that she's truly becoming bilingual. If I say, "Quires una manzana?" (do you want an apple) she says, "Apple!" When I say, "Do you want to eat?" she said, "Tengo hambre!" (I'm hungry). She doesn't always respond in a different language, but its fascinating when she does because you can see that she really, really gets the two different ways to say things. So this regression makes SENSE. We SEE it. But its HARD.

The hardest part about this regression? We have a new baby. Yea, he's incredibly chill and easy thus far (knock on wood - he's almost 4 months). But even so, he still eats every 3 hours, and he needs to eat whether or not his sister is currently throwing a fit at 2am. And guess who's on call? Yep, that would be me. Don't get me wrong, Donovan is AMAZING. But he works, and needs to be up and halfway functional at 5:30 am. Even if I get zero sleep, I have the option of lounging on the couch all day or finding time for a nap - he doesn't. Despite that, he of course still wants to help, but as much of a papa's girl as Camila is, in the middle of the night, its mommy or nothing. And unfortunately Donovan isn't lactating, so that leaves me Joaquín also. However, what we ended up resorting to during the hardest few days was relying on pumped milk and mini bottles of formula so Donovan could take over Joaquín's feedings if I wasn't in the room. This is in some ways more inconvenient because then I have to pump in the morning, but with Camila nursing also, its almost like she kind of took over his feedings as horrible as that sounds.

So my philosophy, whether or not its the right one, is generally this: She and her brother are the reason I stay home. I want to be a present, emotionally responsive parent. And so crying it out overall doesn't work for me or Donovan, as effective as it may be. In certain situations yes, but I could tell off the bat she wasn't doing this on purpose. You know those nights where you are forcing your eyes to stay closed because your mind is just racing? Well thats her. All night. Also, especially lately with two babies, we are very much on a "do what works" mind track. So I resorted to comforting her every time she woke, which only took 10 minutes vs letting her cry and dragging it out, and having Joaquín sleep in our bed pretty much the whole night (if I could feed him half asleep, at least I was half asleep and not fully awake). On especially tough nights we would let her sleep with us, but she would still be tossing and turning and waking frequently (this is part of how I knew it wasn't behavioral - if it was, she would have been happy sleeping all night in our bed, but she wasn't. It didn't make it better, it just made access to me more convenient.)

This all started on November 23rd. Yes I remember, and yes its been almost a month. From what Ive read the average is 4-6 weeks. And that they will magically go back to normal just like in other regressions. However after two really bad nights, mainly because it was combined with Camila having a yucky cold, we kind of started to feel that her cries weren't as frantic as they were before...they were more whiney. It seems like she's moved past the worst of it and is now just used to having us there. So for the last few days we've been thinking, ok little chick, you're fine now, you need to SLEEP. We are DONE. So we've been letting her cry more and weaning her off of needing us to sleep (from rocking her to just our hands on her back to us sitting in the rocking chair in her room).

Its already getting better and so fingers crossed this all ends soon. We don't even want to THINK about transitioning J into his crib until she is sleeping through the night again!

What is time?

Where did my time go? I swear I thought I had some. I used to use it to study Spanish. To write blogs. To clean the house. To workout. Hmm...

Oh wait, I think I found it.
Yep, there it is:

 Oh and here's the rest:

Funny story, as I was typing that my daughter found me hiding in the kitchen typing that sentence, grabbed my hand and pulled me to follow. I let her lead me away, of course, just barely being able to grab my mug of coffee and shut the laptop as we made our way to the book nook to read (silly me for thinking she would be happy reading alone for a few minutes - we called it "independent reading" at school, its good for her!). Here I am 6 hours later trying to ignore the dishes, laundry, Spanish workbook and squat rack all equally calling my name, grateful for a sleeping infant next to me with his little feet on my lap, while I try to type out a few more sentences before hurricane Camila opens her pretty little eyes.

I love this life. Im lucky as hell - I know that. I am so grateful to be able stay home with these two perfect little babies. Theres no better way to "lose" my time.

So it's been 2 months since Joaquín shook up our family and life already feels normal again (mostly)! Here's an update on the first 2 months of this little guys' life:

Family adjustment:

This little dude wraps us tighter and tighter around his finger every day. With Camila, my obsession and bond was instant. With Joaquín, it wasn't as intense in the beginning, but its gotten more and more intense every day and we are just OBSESSED with him now. ❤️Its interesting, in the very beginning, I LOVED him in a raw, motherly way. But in a lot of ways I was struggling with not being able to give my baby Camila the same 24/7 doting attention that I could before, and I cried a lot about that. I had this wrinkly, swollen little nugget baby to care for also now. But as my love and obsession for him grew, so did my realization that I had so much room in my heart for them both and I learned how to balance each of their needs. Well, of course I'm still learning that and it will continue to evolve, but at least now I know that I CAN.

And Camila LOVES him. Seriously - that part of the transition couldn't be more perfect.
Sometimes she loves him TOO much (laying on him, lovingly head butting him, you know...). At first she didn't seem to have any jealousy issues but now that he's 2 (almost 3) months old and the newness has worn off, I think she's starting to have some issues. The other day when I was feeding him she came up to me and started pulling on his arm, wagging her little finger at me saying, "no mama, no!" Whenever I put him in the Ergo to sooth him while I get stuff done, she cries and reaches, wanting to be carried instead of him. Its a little challenging and we just have to be very aware of giving her equal "baby" time - she is still a baby after all.

What's also pretty awesome is that Camila plays "mama" like a champ. She feeds her baby doll, nurses it, rocks it to sleep, swaddled it, everything she sees us do. It's ADORABLE. 

Things are definitely a lot harder with a toddler and a baby! Camila just has so much energy that just lounging around the house playing while I get stuff done lasts maybe 20 minutes. In chunks. And usually she makes more of a mess in the process, making whatever I "got done" pretty obsolete. Like using bathtub crayons to draw on the toilet while I fold laundry. Or pulling out everything from the diaper bag and spreading it around the living room while I clean up from breakfast, one foot bouncing the baby. So we get out of the house a lot during the day! But we have made lots of friends through the Moms Group I am a part of so that piece is fantastic. We always have someone to hang out with and Camila is getting awesome social interaction with her many little friends!

Another interesting change is Donovan and I cherish our time together so much more. Its hard to connect when you are each wrangling a young child, and we value our time together after the kids go to bed so much more! Im definitely impressed with how well we team work these two. Our routine right now is that we bathe them together - Camila loves getting in his baby bathtub with him (and pulling his baby boy parts...we are working on that) and he LOVES the warm water. I usually get J out and dressed while he brushes C's teeth and dresses her. Then I nurse Camila while Donovan spends some time with J, then we switch again and Donovan reads to C and puts her to bed while I nurse J and rock him to sleep. It works really well for now, but Camila is going through a horrid 18 month sleep regression right now so putting her to bed takes a little longer than it used to.

And even though things are a lot busier and harder with this duo, somehow it all just works. I thought I would need a lot more help in the beginning but we found that Joaquín slipped right in perfectly and the train just kept moving.

Joaquín updates

• He's AWESOME. I realize it more every day. 
• He's the strongest baby in the world. He can hold his head up like a boss.
• He's nowhere near being consistent with his naps - sometimes he hardly sleeps all day, other days he sleeps the ENTIRE day...but nighttime is pretty predictable. His longest stretch is anywhere from 4-6 hours and lately (lately...things change...) he's been ready to go down for the night at 8, same as Camila. We love that!
• He's already stretching his 3-6 month clothes **tear**
• He's the handsomest boy in all the land. 
• His little fists of fury make my heart melt.
• When he talks he sounds like a little seal.
• He smiles when you circle his mouth with your finger.
• He looks like his mama :)

Postpartum (operation: squat 135)

So remember how this blog is called "Staying Fit With Baby B: Pregnancy and BEYOND"? Yea that 'beyond' part...Ive basically been pregnant for 2 years so we've definitely arrived at 'beyond' and its a struggle, physically and mentally. 2 years of pregnancy hormones and changing physical abilities have turned my muscles into mush. When I got pregnant with Camila I was squatting 135 regularly, which is the squat bar with (2) 45b plates on either side, and was still working up. Donovan and I just started a program called 5x5, which is a 3x a week intense strength building workout where you add 5 lbs literally every workout. I had to start this program squatting 35 lbs TOTAL (only 100 more to go!...). Blow to my ego like woah. Its not just about my strength, but the pelvic issue Id been having is still sensitive so whatever I do I need to take it slooooow so my body can strengthen EVERYwhere. 2 babies in 2 years requires some postpartum body love for sure.  :)

Finding time to workout has been tricky, but its working. Currently we both workout at home in the basement while Camila plays in her playroom and watches her music videos on the TV. We take turns entertaining her or checking on her in between sets. Joaquín is usually sleeping or in a bouncy chair, again getting bounced in between sets. When he is 12 weeks old (which is about now) he can go to the Gold's gym daycare, so we will slowly fit that back into the schedule also. Its easy to workout at home but the atmosphere in the gym is motivating, and we (slash I) could use some time without juggling two babies :)

So while I am really working on gaining strength, this funny little hormone called prolactin (responsible for making milk...oh and also holding on to fat in case of a famine. THANKS PROLACTIN. Its 2015, get with the times) makes it hard to build muscle. So while I am eating a ton to try and help my body build muscle while also nursing, Im not sure how much Ill be able to do. Prolactin levels take a dip between 4-6 months postpartum, so Ill wait until then to really evaluate my progress.

So I have to dip into the body image piece, because its a huge part of this story and a part I don't want to forget. I got stretch marks this pregnancy, but not until AFTER J was born. Weird huh? And guess what - I don't care AT ALL. Im proud of myself for feeling that way. Honestly I kind of feel like I earned them. That delivery was rough and now I have a natural tattoo reminding me of how amazing my body is. The thing that Im struggling a bit with is my weight, which is still 20 lbs above where I started (yea I gained 40lbs and some change during both pregnancies). Im not doing anything to try and lose that extra fat right now because that would compete with my goal of gaining muscle (thats something I need to remind myself of when Im sliding on those maternity jeans after not being able to get my regular pants past my thigh). After Camila was born, my weight plummeted back to pre-baby weight when she was 5 months old (thank prolactin...for real this time) so I am hoping for the same this time. **waiting patiently**

But even though Im self-conscious of the extra baggage Im carrying around, I am handling it SO MUCH DIFFERENTLY than the old me would have. We went to an indoor pool recently with some mom friends and I wondered if I would feel comfortable wearing my bikini, my only bathing suit, or if I should buy a new one. My first thought, not my second or third, or a thought I had to force myself to think, my FIRST and NATURAL thought, was "hell yea I can wear my bikini. Im not going to cover up my stretch marks and muffin top JUST to hide them. Tankinis are cute and if I want one because I like it, than great. But Im not going to buy one IN ORDER TO cover myself up - Im proud of my body in so many ways, and I want my daughter to see that."

BAM.

Thank you Camila - being your mom has made me stronger in more ways than you know. And thank you Joaquín, for truly challenging my body's strength like 45lb plates never could.

(By the way, this blog took me at least 2 weeks to write. You're welcome.)

My daughter speaks Spanish and I speak English…what?

Disclaimer: So I wrote this about 2 months ago. Before we had our second baby. Already so much has changed - I am having a hard time studying. In fact, I haven't actually sat down and studied Spanish since Joaquín was born. I just can't find the time. I am hoping once things settle down Ill be able to fit it in my routine again. Im still talking as much as I can but have been using English a lot more as well, and Camila is starting to respond to more English and is actually starting to show that she understands multiple things in both languages - SO cool to see! I state below that her spoken vocabulary is 10-20 words. Well now its closer to 50 (I counted) and still almost all in Spanish (except for 'chair' and 'cheese'. Interesting.) Anyway, this will continue to evolve and change so enjoy reading for now! Sorry for the lack of pictures… :/

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Yea, its pretty strange. When I talk to my 15 month old daughter in English she barely looks at me. She goes about her business as if Im not even talking. But when I say the exact same thing in Spanish, or some grammatically incorrect variation of the exact same thing, she turns and looks at me intently. If I ask her to do something in English, no response. When I ask in Spanish, she immediately obliges.

My first language is English. I know it extremely well. I am a grammar nazi to others and a pretty good writer. And Im a talker. I love to talk, I love to read, I love to narrate everything my daughter sees and does so that her language base is rich and wonderful.

And yet…I pretty much only speak to her in Spanish. Which, to be honest, puts her at a disadvantage sometimes because, especially lately, I often times have difficulty explaining things to her in the rich detail and ease I would be able to if I were speaking in English. Don't get me wrong, I DO speak English to her, but not often enough YET for her to really understand and respond to it.

Let me back up a bit. My 'base' understanding of Spanish came from 4 years of Spanish in high school, and a desire to do well because I really liked my teacher. I built on that when I taught in a bilingual classroom during my student teaching year in a majority-hispanic neighborhood. Parent-teacher conferences were held in Spanish and the culture was so rich among the diverse families. I thought I was something special when I met my husband and could rattle off a few basic sentences with my "good" accent and when I bragged about the Reggeton music I listened to and how I couldn't wait to learn how to dance salsa (I of course, like most white Americans, confused all latin cultures and had no clue that my husband, as a Mexican-American, didn't listen to Reggeton and his family did not dance salsa at family parties - luckily, he forgave me for my ignorance. :) ).

As our relationship developed and my understanding of his culture was enriched, we eventually decided that when we had kids, we definitely wanted them to know Spanish. Language is an amazing way to pass on a culture, specifically a cultural IDENTITY. It wasn't until I was pregnant and ready to give birth to our daughter that I realized how badly I wanted this for her. Not just to know Spanish in an "I understand it all and speak a little" way, but to KNOW IT and feel comfortable enough with it to hold conversations and identify identify herself as a fluently bilingual individual. From experience and research I knew that the only way to achieve this was to ensure that our kids had a need for the language.

My husband and I easily decided that he would only speak Spanish to Camila - ONLY Spanish. We knew the importance of her associating a language with a face. You have all probably seen it - a parent speaking their native language to their child, and the child responding in English. This is BOUND to happen - we aren't ignorant to that. However the language-face association will HELP when we get to that point, because the moment our kids start to respond to Donovan in English out of ease one day, he can redirect them easily. How difficult or easy it will be to maintain this will be dependent on the personality (i.e. STUBBORNESS) of our kids, as well as how consistently he enforces it. We also obviously asked all of Donovan's family to speak Spanish to Camila.

Next step - mom. Yea that's me. What role can I play in this? "Minority Language at Home" is probably the most effective language strategy used that ensures full minority-language capability in children, but I was simply not there. Also, I want to know Spanish too! Yes this is about our kids but what about me? Ive always wanted to teach in a bilingual classroom again, or even in a Spanish-speaking country, and I really super-badly want to be able to sit at the table with Donovan's family and activity participate in the conversations and laugh at the jokes, but I need fluency in the language to be able to do any of that. I've always said "This year, I will be come fluent in Spanish!" Bahahaha, yea right. It never happened. I loosely used Rosetta Stone that my mom had so awesomely bought me but… Newsflash: Its HARD to learn a second language fluently as an adult. It takes discipline, routine, and a deep desire or motivation. Well, my motivation soon came. The simple desire wasn't enough - but when I got pregnant with my baby girl, I had my deep-seeded motivation.

Since Camila has been born I have talked Spanish to her as much as possible. My limited ability was just fine for her newborn stage. I stuck with Rosetta Stone until I reached a weird plateau - I was definitely learning with RS but the program didn't directly teach grammatical rules. So I would learn a phrase but would constantly be asking myself, "But WHY…" I wasn't able to take what I learned in Rosetta Stone and transfer it to new sentences or situations. So I went on Amazon and purchased a Spanish Verb Tenses workbook that had great reviews, and this has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. Once I understand a grammatical rule, I can then apply it to the verbs and nouns I know and form new sentences based on that rule. I study daily, usually at Camila's nap time. This is one of the luxury's of being able to stay home. Then I practice what I learn with her throughout the day. If I don't know a word, I look it up on my phone or in the dictionary. Or, I ask Donovan when he's home.

My speaking ability has increased dramatically since taking this approach and I have been able to keep up with Camila's language development for the most part. My general rule has been - if I know it in Spanish, say it in Spanish. If not, say it in English first, and then try to translate it. Until around now, I have been able to say almost everything in Spanish, and well. I say "until around now" because man, she is learning FAST. She understands SO much, follows basic commands, and can say about 10-20 words (almost all of them in Spanish), and responds yes or no to questions. In the past 2-3 months I have been finding myself needing to explain situations to her in more detail than before. For example, when we are at the pool and she is playing with another child and she hugs him or pets him too aggressively. I want to say, "No baby you need to be gentle. When you hit like that it can hurt. We don't want to hurt others. Look, touch him/hug him like this." Instead, what I am able to translate is more like, "No baby, don't hit. Gentle. Like this." Sure, I got my point across, but not as richly as I would have liked. And if I stop and think really hard and pull out my dictionary and my iPhone translator and JUST GIVE ME LIKE 5 MINUTES I could totally put together the phrase that I want. But by then the moment is over. My bestie gave me a great suggestion that's been working well for situations like this: take note throughout the day of situations like these where I feel unable to translate what I want to as richly as I could in English, and then work on writing and translating little paragraphs based on these situations the next day. So far Ive done a "El Parque (park)" paragraph and a "La Piscina (pool)" paragraph, and yes they both helped a lot! I was able to focus on some key phrases and situations and then plop those phrases in my back pocket (semi-literally) for the next time we found ourselves in a similar situation.

Another funny thing has started to happen - while I speak Spanish pretty darn well when its just me and my toddler all day, I pretty much suck at holding a decent conversation with my husband. Im also finding that my listening ability is actually DEcreasing. We will sit and watch a show together in Spanish and I want to cry because I can't understand a lick of what they're saying. And here I felt like a bilingual rock-star all day. It turns out my ability to read, write and speak Spanish are getting stronger while my ability to hear and understand Spanish is either staying stagnant or decreasing, because I haven't been working on those skills nearly enough. When watching a show in Spanish, I can understand more of whats going on if the Spanish subtitles are on, because I can READ spanish better than I can hear it. This is also why I feel so frustrated when Donovan and I have conversations in Spanish, because he talks too fast for me and it all rumbles together. I. need. to. listen. to. spanish. like. this. in order to understand it. And in reality, Donovan and I should be talking to each other a lot in Spanish, but we just DONT. We've tried "Spanish at the dinner table", and it will usually last a week or so before we revert to what's easiest, which is English. But yet we will both turn to Camila and speak Spanish to her. Its odd. Haha.

Anyway, I sit here at this crossroads, wondering literally every single day if I am making the right choice. I often get so discouraged and think to myself, "Im really gonna eff her up…she won't be able to speak ANY language well. I should just revert to all English before its too late."

BUT…if I can step back and try to view it objectively, I do know that there really is no wrong decision. She will grow and develop. She already is. at 15 months old she has a vocabulary of 10-20 words. Id say thats pretty good. Her entire environment is in English. In reality, if I stop trying to speak Spanish to her and speak all English, I would be doing us both a disservice. As great as it is that Donovan speaks Spanish to her and will continue to do so, I am the one that is home with her all day and so my language influence plays a bigger role. Also, almost more importantly, if I stop speaking Spanish to her, my own learning stops. Ive learned more in this past year that I have since high school Spanish.

My husband told me that, on a scale of 1-10 (1 being my dad who thought 'hello' in Spanish was literally said 'hole-ah' because he saw it written down - sorry to call you out pops but its true :) - and 10 being my Mexican-born-and-raised sister in law who learned English fluently only in the last 4-5 years and who is also a talker and a teacher) my language ability has gone from a 2 to a 4 to a 6 (our time frame measurements were when we met, when we married, and now). I really feel like thats saying something, and Im proud of it.  :)

Another reality is that Camila's environment is almost all English outside of our home. And right now thats a good thing. She's picking up a lot of English from the little I speak to her, as well as playground conversations, listening to Donovan and I talk to each other, and conversations she has with her family that all lives here. And when she goes to preschool, thats going to influence her even more. My prediction is that eventually, Spanish won't be her dominate language. I think that she and I will eventually even out and I will end up speaking even more English to her, probably around preschool or Kindergarten age. I just think that, even if Im 10x better in the language by then, I will feel more comfortable talking through certain situations in English with her, because its the language I will always be more comfortable with. She will be conversing by then and will probably be coming home with stories about who hit who and what mean thing someone said to someone else, and I feel that those conversations, between me and her, will happen in English - not to mention the fact that her conversations in school will most likely be held in English.

Our hope right now is that we can at least give our children a solid base of Spanish, even if English ends up dominating in a few years. That solid base should set the tone for being able to switch between the two languages comfortably and easily as children, teens and eventually adults.